Wednesday, September 29, 2010

According To Her.

I saw this photo and it brought back memories and not pleasant ones. The word lazy is a word that I will forever hate. You see my mother used to call me lazy all the time. Because well according to her I am lazy. She used to tell me, stop sleeping so much don't you get tired of sleeping? You are so lazy, why don't you clean this place? According to her I didn't cleaned enough or cleaned at all. And she would say this anywhere and in front of anyone which pissed me off so much. I wanted to tell her to go to hell but of course I was a good daughter so it was something I would never say. 

Back then people didn't believe in depression. It was something for strange and rich people to suffer from. I was simply being lazy because I had to force myself to get out of bed everyday. Because I didn't wanted to cook, clean or take a shower. Didn't wanted anyone to come over my place. She would ring my doorbell non stop and I wouldn't open so she would go to my window to call my name really loud. Sometimes I had no choice but to open the door because she would start saying, I know you are there! She didn't understand that I just wanted to be alone and not deal with anything.

She would tell my daughter don't be lazy like your mother. Look at her how fat she is. You don't want to be like that. Sometimes she didn't mean to be mean (at least that's what I want to believe) but others she wanted to hurt my feelings. It never occurred to her that I might be suffering from depression. She never saw me crying in my room, eating in hiding to make myself feel better. She only saw me being lazy.

She suffered from depression at one point too but didn't wanted to admit it and never got help for it. What made the whole thing worse is that I went to a doctor and he too didn't believe in depression. In his words what I had was "bored wife syndrome". I couldn't believe what was I hearing. I thought I'm fucked, I feel like shit and no one can help me. 

I suffered from depression for years before it stopped being something that only rich people suffered from. Finally, a doctor prescribed me something. I got better and was doing good for about two years. Then it started again but didn't go to the doctor until last year. Now I'm on meds and trying to get better. I no longer have a relationship with my mother or any other family member. For now that's how I want things to be. I want peace, not anyone trying to belittle me by calling me lazy and fat...
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