Craptastic Mood & Friday Fill-Ins.

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Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I have been in a horrible mood. Although I want to post every day, once I sit here my mind goes blank. Last weekend I had a good therapy session and I was having a good day until I came home. Even though it was raining, the assholes that sit in front of the building couldn't go inside their apartment. Instead, they were sitting on the stairs inside the building. They didn't bother to move out of the way even though we were carrying bags from the supermarket.

Then as if that wasn't enough once I'm inside my apartment, the asshole downstairs after two months or so of not doing this, started blaring his music like he was at a club. This lasted from around 6:30PM to 12:00AM. The next day, I thought I was going to get some peace, no. He started with the same crap around 10:45AM until 2:30PM, then it started around 8PM again. I am not going to lie, I wanted to go downstairs and beat the shit out of him. I am in no way condoning violence, but I can understand why some people snap. I woke up shaking, I was so upset. I had to go in the bathroom to have a good cry a few times this week until I felt better.  

Needless to say, I have been upset about this all week. I don't know what to expect this weekend. If he is going to do this again or if he received a call from the landlord. I called and left a message on the landlord's answer machine. They never returned my phone call. Until now I haven't sent them a noise complaint in writing because I want to avoid problems and I don't think it would make a difference anyway. However, if this happens again this weekend I'm going to force myself to go that route. Enough is enough.

My daughter hates being here because of this. At first it would upset me that she wanted to be out as much as she could. Now I understand her. Who wants to be in a place that makes you feel anxious and angry? Moving is not an option, if that was the case I would have moved at the first sign of problems. Well, if I hit the lotto, then I would. I wouldn't wait a week! I would pack a few things and leave the rest, coño.

I decided long ago to cut the people that were sucking the life out of me out of my life. So besides my therapist and mis hijos I don't talk to anyone else. My therapist said it is good I have a blog. It's a way of communicating with other people. She even suggested that I join a group with my same interests to meet offline. I laughed. I mean, it sounds nice, but I doubt I will have the guts to do that. Listen to me, I sound like one of those movies where the character is talking to their shrink, lol.

I can feel my mood changing as I'm typing this. Blogging about the crap that is going on in your life does help make you feel better even if it is temporarily. It might not work for everyone, but for me it seems to work somewhat.

Anyway, here are my Friday Fill-Ins. If you want to join the fun follow the link. Have wonderful day! 

1. Sunshine, how are you today? 
2. I'm going to take a shower is the last thing I overheard someone say. 
3. I found a recipe for a low fat cake and it really tasted good! 
4. I'm looking forward to cold weather. 
5. Right now, I'm moody/anxious as hell. 
6. Getting comments on my blog makes me smile!
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to vege out in front of my computer, tomorrow my plans include running errands and Sunday, I want to hopefully have a quiet day, something I didn't get last Sunday!

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Slowly Creeping In.

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Lately I have been feeling more crappy than usual. Reason why I haven't been blogging that much. Last year I decided to stop taking my medications because I was starting to loose myself (in some ways), was gaining a lot weight and the skin on my face was changing. I was doing good at first but as time has gone by I have noticed depression has been creeping in little by little.

My anxiety levels have been through the roof. Two days ago I found myself crying in the middle of the kitchen while cooking. Why? You might find this a stupid reason but here it goes. Temperatures are getting warmer, which means that this week the front of the building where I live is going to be full of idiots, women and men. Sitting there for hours, talking loud, playing music, making noise right outside my windows. That happened the same day I broke down crying. It was hot as hell inside my apartment so I opened my window to let some fresh air in. Had to close it within 15 minutes because I couldn't take the noise. Like everyone else, all I want is some peace and quiet. I want to be able to watch TV without having to turn up the volume because I can't hear it. The thought of what's coming has been keeping me awake at night since January. This is affecting me emotionally and physically. Not only me, but my son and daughter as well.

My therapist mentioned last year that we are suffering from PTSD, at the time I thought that might be the case, but now I'm sure we are. Those who know me on a more personal level know why. I don't go out at all, except to the supermarket once a week if at all. When I try to go out the nerves get the better of me, I end up in the bathroom with a stomach ache. I know, TMI. Sorry! Not only that, but I have been getting nauseous. It can be right after I eat, while I'm eating, basically at any time of the day. No, I'm not pregnant, unless one can get pregnant from a dream, lol. I'm not taking any medications so I don't know where it is coming from. Anxiety maybe?

I used to enjoy going out, walking around, being around other people. Not anymore. I know I'm missing out on a lot. Reason why I enjoy reading other bloggers who write about their experiences in life, I live vicariously through them.

I'm seriously considering starting taking medications again. The thought scares me, but this is sucking the life out of me...

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When Private Goes Public: The Role Social Networking Plays in Suicide.

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Every Day Connected: Sponsored Blog


By Marsali Hancock for Every Day Connected



“Jumping off the gw bridge sorry,” Tyler Clementi, age 18, posted on his Facebook status on September 22, 2010.

And then he did just that. A desperate act fueled by humiliation, Clementi committed suicide after his Rutgers University roommate secretly recorded a private sexual encounter between him and another male, only to then post it to YouTube.

In the Phoebe Prince case, the 15-year-old hanged herself on January 10, 2010, after enduring months of bullying from fellow students. Prince felt that killing herself was the only escape from teen tormentors who attacked her in the hallways and taunted her through texts and public online spaces, like Facebook.

We’re all familiar with tales of social networking sites (SNSs), along with other new media platforms, casting a dark shadow over events leading up to a victim’s suicide. Frequently the issues revolve around private encounters, moments and words that spread like wildfire once they’ve been introduced to the digital stage -- often without the target’s consent.

With the 21st century ingenue Cyberbullying playing the lead role in each one of those dramas, we rarely hear examples of how social networking promotes a healthy mental state and even prevents suicide in some instances.

Although the media continually make the connection, there is no conclusive evidence that cyberbullying causes suicide.

First, we do youth a disservice by perpetually drawing a straight line between the two concepts of online harassment and self-murder. Continuing to make that association falsely communicates the message that there is no alternative escape from cyberbullying other than ending one’s life, which can result in children making that fatal decision.

Second, adults need to remember that youth connect emotionally and define relationships through their digital devices and Web platforms. They acutely feel both rejection and connection via digital media.

According to a recent International Center for Media and the Public Affairs (ICMPA) study, “students around the world reported that being tethered to digital technology 24-7 is not just a habit, it is essential to the way they construct and manage their friendships and social lives.”

Finally, it’s crucial that we understand both the positive and negative sides of social media, thereby putting cyberbullying into context and appreciating its place amidst all the benefits and opportunities that arise from digital connections.

To further the point, a growing body of research from the Australia-based Co-operative Research Centre for Young People, Technology and Wellbeing (YAW-CRC) supports the idea that SNSs have a much more positive effect on relationships and mental well-being than most of us may be aware.

According to the YAW-CRC’s The Benefit of Social Networking Services report:

“There is a demonstrated positive relationship between young people’s use of social networking services and self-esteem. … It is also argued that a sense of community and belonging has the potential to promote young people’s resilience, giving them the ability to successfully adapt to change and stressful events. … Overall, it appears that the social connections developed and fostered through SNS play an important role in promoting young people’s well-being.

Although cyberbullying represents the seamier side of social networking, it’s greatly outweighed by the support systems that youth develop online.

Too frequently it’s said that friendships in virtual communities do not carry the same lasting loyalty and profound connectivity that real-world relationships hold. Statements like those diminish the value that young ones place on their online relationships and in the end miss the importance of social networking in fostering a sense of self-worth and belonging on this Earth.

Things to Remember
Marginalized children and teens need to hear from trusted sources that their lives are not over if they experience digital persecution from peers. And parents, mentors and teachers should refer to resources (e.g., the Cyberbullying Research Center) to better understand social media’s place in self-esteem development.

If you are concerned for yourself or a child who is being harassed online, intervention programs make all of the difference. For more information, please visit National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s (SAMHSA) What a Difference a Friend Makes website.




Photo: @iStockphoto.com/pkline



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According To Her.

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I saw this photo and it brought back memories and not pleasant ones. The word lazy is a word that I will forever hate. You see my mother used to call me lazy all the time. Because well according to her I am lazy. She used to tell me, stop sleeping so much don't you get tired of sleeping? You are so lazy, why don't you clean this place? According to her I didn't cleaned enough or cleaned at all. And she would say this anywhere and in front of anyone which pissed me off so much. I wanted to tell her to go to hell but of course I was a good daughter so it was something I would never say. 

Back then people didn't believe in depression. It was something for strange and rich people to suffer from. I was simply being lazy because I had to force myself to get out of bed everyday. Because I didn't wanted to cook, clean or take a shower. Didn't wanted anyone to come over my place. She would ring my doorbell non stop and I wouldn't open so she would go to my window to call my name really loud. Sometimes I had no choice but to open the door because she would start saying, I know you are there! She didn't understand that I just wanted to be alone and not deal with anything.

She would tell my daughter don't be lazy like your mother. Look at her how fat she is. You don't want to be like that. Sometimes she didn't mean to be mean (at least that's what I want to believe) but others she wanted to hurt my feelings. It never occurred to her that I might be suffering from depression. She never saw me crying in my room, eating in hiding to make myself feel better. She only saw me being lazy.

She suffered from depression at one point too but didn't wanted to admit it and never got help for it. What made the whole thing worse is that I went to a doctor and he too didn't believe in depression. In his words what I had was "bored wife syndrome". I couldn't believe what was I hearing. I thought I'm fucked, I feel like shit and no one can help me. 

I suffered from depression for years before it stopped being something that only rich people suffered from. Finally, a doctor prescribed me something. I got better and was doing good for about two years. Then it started again but didn't go to the doctor until last year. Now I'm on meds and trying to get better. I no longer have a relationship with my mother or any other family member. For now that's how I want things to be. I want peace, not anyone trying to belittle me by calling me lazy and fat...

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